How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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