The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
