Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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