It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
