How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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