somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
