just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
