You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
