absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
