at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
