Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
