if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
