her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
