Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I stole a fireplace last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
