I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
