Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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