thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
