I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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