I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
