Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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