Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
