I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
