it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
