Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just puked most of my soul out..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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