you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
