moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
