I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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