The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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