A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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