two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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