i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
