Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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