Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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