My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
