I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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