Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
