so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
