True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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