If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
