You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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