This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
