so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
