I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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