Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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