My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
