i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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