I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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