I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
