hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
