I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
